最近

最近的我变了，想了很多，做了决定。希望日后的日子会少点障碍，多一点能力去应付眼前的问题。

1。作为长子的我
活了20年，我这个长子从不会管家里的事，到要看家里弟妹，爸的烦恼，妈的担忧。我没什么榜样好学，只是喜欢对着电脑，按着键盘，有时傻傻地对银幕微笑。嘿，有其哥，必有其弟妹。弟弟们最开心的时候就是我带电脑回去的时候。妹妹简直把我单独的“榜样”超越了，连我也不能做到。在爸的眼里，最可恶的东西就是电脑，工作回来了，一定会有人对着电脑。烦恼重重的他只能向酒杯诉苦。家中的长子除了会玩电脑，其他好像不会了，更不用说继承他的事业了。工作52年的机器开始发生故障了，动手术就必定失去之前的精力和工作的能力，不做只能冒着炸弹爆的风险。妈的担忧就多了，爸的问题，弟妹的问题，长子的问题全都在她的肩膀上。劝了爸，骂了弟妹，而我不但帮不上忙，还增添不少的麻烦。

2。作为男朋友的我
从那天我们牵手到今日，一共是10个月17天。那段时间让我的生活带来彩虹般的色彩，酸甜苦辣的味道。我们吵了不少架，打了无数的冷战，总算顺利走到今日。如果我有更多的耐心，关心，爱心，彼此也许会更开心。合格的男友也算不上，更不用说完美的男友。我现在的脚步有点慢，但始终还是在往对的方向。无助，无奈，无能的情况出现时，我只希望多一个笑容，多一只手，多一点了解。。。

3。作为朋友的我
太久没有一起出去玩，太久没有一起谈天了。在你们的世界突然消失，我也不想的。我只能渴望下一次的重逢，希望能听到更多的故事，看到更多的笑声。。。

4。作为队友的我
在这个家，呆了有一段时间了。从热闹的大家庭到冷清清的家，最近也换了一个家。从小弟到做大哥，从被人照顾到要照顾人。一个上不了战场的大哥，每次只能在旁看战。这种感觉很难受，只能怪自己为何不努力点。

5。作为室友的我
和你们住了一年多，始终都没有后悔当初搬出来的决定。只是最近多了很多误会以及累积的不满才会有今天。也许有些事，我做得有点过分，有点自私。

人生的路上会有很多条路让你走，走的时拿着什么走，走的时留下什么。我无法走完每条路，拿完所有东西走，一个也不留下。选了一条路就必定舍弃其他的路，双手拿了东西必定会放下拿不完的东西。决定，选择真的让我很痛苦。。。

What if?

What if I think before i speak?
What if I remain my stand?
What if I become a better person?
What if I become more caring?
What if I keep on calling?
What if I can turn back the time?
What if I can undo the things i did?

Would things turn out differently?
Would it be a little too late?

Always hoping and praying

Have you ever feel like want to cry but cant cry out?
Have you ever feel like sharing your thoughts but there is no one there?
Have you ever thought of what happen when you lose everything?
Have you ever thought of what happen when you suddenly disappear?

Why my tears aren't rolling down?
Why my lips are tight?
Why my eyes see something that shouldn't be seen?
Why my heart beats so fast?

I am sorry for failing my grades again
I am sorry for not treating you better
I am sorry for being selfish
I am sorry for being ignorant
I am sorry for being weak
I am sorry for not driving safely
I am sorry for not being there
I am sorry for hurting you
I am sorry for being a jerk
I am sorry for not understanding
I am sorry for lying
I am sorry for escaping
I am sorry for making you cry
I am sorry for not improving
I am sorry for breaking my promises
I am sorry for being childish
I am sorry for not changing
I am sorry for not grateful
I am sorry for taking things for granted
I am sorry for everything that i had done
I am sorry for everything that i hadn't done

Happy...

I wanna be
next to you
and watch you while you sleep

holding you
lost inside
every breath you breathe

i dont wanna live a day without you
i just wanna be the one that makes you happy, happy
i dont wanna live a day without you
i just wanna be the one that makes you happy, happy


one minute more
a thousand years
it's all the same to me

cause i'm incomplete
and i need you more
with every breath i breathe

i dont wanna live a day without you
i just wanna be the one that makes you happy, happy
i dont wanna live a day without you
i just wanna be the one that makes you happy, happy

i try to let you know
but my words get tangled up
and every time i find that i'm
outside looking in

can't let this moment go
when you're the only one
that makes me feel the way i feel inside

lately i'm falling for you
lately i'm falling for you

i dont wanna live a day without you
i just wanna be the one that makes you happy, happy
i dont wanna live a day without you
i just wanna be the one that makes you happy, happy

Breaking Point

I don't want to go anywhere...
I don't want to do anything...
I don't want to study anything...
I don't want to go class anymore...
I don't want to borrow car from anyone...

I don't know what i should do...
I don't know where i should go...
I don't know why i am like this...
I don't know what am i doing...
I don't know why my life is like this...

Strong outside, weak inside...
Smile on the face, Tears inside the heart...

So be it....

Facing so many dark clouds, I have decided...

Not to care so much about other people reaction, walk with me or Fuck off...

Not to ask for so much anymore. If you want, you give. Going to save my saliva for better things...

Not to tolerate anymore, enough is enough. Faking 2 face, snake tongue don't test my patience...

Not to please everyone anymore. I am not the one you are praying to, for what waste my effort pleasing you...

Not to hide anything anymore. What i feel inside me, you will see it on my face or taste it...

Not to act strong and smile anymore. Being optimistic is good, it's time to draw a line on it...

I am exhausted, tired, sick of my life, reaching my limit...
It's time to left some for myself, become a human being...
Sun is not shining anymore, only dark clouds, waiting for a heavy long downpour...

Life's good

Life like this is just too nice... Can it be worst than this? Lets recap September... Miss out a holiday trip, lost a toenail, sprain my ankle, car accident, assignment pilling up, dealing with some SOTB... So many freaking dark clouds, i wonder if there is any silver lining in it...

Tired of seeing every plan messed up
Tired of trying to pleasing everyone
Tired of being stressed out everyday
Tired of being optimistic

I wonder when will i reach my limit...
Maybe i reach already, just didn't realize it...